Lean on me

Our perception of what reality is depends on what our experiences were. I was born in Laos, in a very poor condition. In 1975, I lived in Thailand with my mother and siblings. My father was pretty absent from our lives but when he came around, my world was complete. I adored my father. He gave me all of the attention, encouragement and love that I was missing and craving. I remember that my father was very nurturing but very stern too. We later lived in a Thai refugee camp where my father was killed. It was such a defeated moment in my life. Another battle for a nine year old child to have to endure! The death of my father was a heartbreak but the death of my childhood was really tough to overcome.

My family was sponsored to the United States and although we had so many limitations, we also had opportunities. Growing up without a father in my life and at times, without a mother, I was always yearning to excel in everything, yearning to be pleasing, yearning to be accepted, yearning to learn a new language, yearning to be safe, yearning to be loved, yearning to be free, yearning to feel wanted, yearning to feel worthy, and yearning to belong. Often times, I felt so alone and so burdened.

After my father passed, my mother became the "father" and had to work outside of the home to care for her four children. I know that my mother did all that she could with what she had. It's hard for me, now that I am a mother, to imagine how much you have to sacrifice for the well being of your children. In my years of self-discovery, I learned what my true potential was ~ well, my goal was to be a super mother! A mother who would do anything to protect her children, give them unconditional love, be selfless with her wants & needs and always put her children interest first, always making certain that her children doesn't go without (no yearning for anything), and that they would always know that they are wanted. In order to become this super mom, I needed to love myself most and allow others to love me!

When my son was born & we were told of his limitations because of Trisomy 21...the word "limitations" did not soak into my heart & mind. All that I knew was that we are fighters & if given the opportunities, we would shine. I knew that my husband and my daughter loved me but the love that they have for me just transcended beyond my imagination. They pulled together and blanketed Ethan with this love. I'm so thankful that I was able to lean on them for comfort, love, and support. After so many years of searching and yearning, I finally found what family was really about ~ right in front of me! My husband said that I have a good heart. He must realize that the reason why I have a good heart is because of him, Marisa and Ethan ~ no more yearning, my heart is finally beginning to heal!

In our traditions & customs, children and parents tend to live together...I always envision myself & my husband living with our children or our children living with us. As parents, we want to protect our children even if they have no special needs! I hope to teach my children to be self-sufficient but to also know that it's okay to rely on one another. I want my children to grow up knowing and believing that they could lean on us!

Surreal

Can we really be prepared for motherhood or fatherhood? I thought that having years of experiences in taking care of my siblings would helped guide me. How about caring for my nieces & nephew in preparation for having my children? No instruction manuals, not even a return policy. People have always told me that I would never be the same with my own children, but the words don't even come close to how it feels.

Some people relied on how they've been raised...by their own parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, sisters or even brothers but for me; I took the good & twigged the bad to help with rearing my children. I know how important it is to make certain that my children know how much they are loved and always felt wanted. As parents, we wanted to provide an environment where our children could feel safe and secured. I wanted them to always feel & know that they are precious & treasured. Their well being, wants, needs, and feelings would always come first. I also wanted my children to trust that we would be on their side no matter what. It was really important to let my children know of their worth, the world to us. We wanted our children to grow with exceptional self esteem, strong will, and not be afraid to be different or to conform to others expectations. We wanted them to know that we trust and believe in them. Van and I made our choices to have our children and they are our priorities.

Surprise, surprise, surprise. I can never imagine how my heart would grow with each child! The love that I feel is overwhelming at times. How can one take in all this happiness and not fell like they are going to burst?

My children are so different as night and day; however, they are the same in so many ways. These little souls are so pure and precious. They are both very confident and truly strong willed. They are so compassionate and protective of one another. We've taught our children that charity begins at home. We've tried to instill in our children the value of hard work, honesty, respect for others, and respect for oneself. We've taught them to always try before thinking that they can't do it. We are proud of them for trying their best. We told them that they have so much potential to do what ever they desire, as long as they stay true to themselves. "If you don't love yourself, you cannot love others. You will not be able to love others. If you have... no compassion for yourself then you are not able of developing compassion for others. " ~H.H. Dalai Lama By:Peace Maker

Along with the unconditional love comes a handful of worries. When Marisa was young and I was working out of town, Van was responsible to make certain that Marisa took her medicine. My heart aches still just thinking about how my little girl relied on me for her safety and comfort but I couldn't even be there for her! I prayed that my baby would grow to understand that she was always in my heart and mind, every seconds of my days. I treasure her with all that she is!

When Ethan was born ~ watching him in the NICU just tore me up inside. I prayed that I could take all the pain away from him, even though I was told that it looked more painful than what Ethan was feeling. I prayed that I could breathe for him. I prayed that I could be his comfort. I prayed that Ethan would surpass all of these challenges. Ethan is now three and he's come a long way. We are so lucky to have Ethan in our lives!

Worries ~ the anticipation of each coughs, cold, sinus infections, boo-boos, scratches, chicken pox, ear infections, first heartbreak, first crush, vaccinations, heart wrenching scream & cries, and any other illness were much worse than the reality. My husband said that I worry too much! He asked for me to step back and just enjoy the ride, a roller coaster ride! He said that there will be many ups and many downs but together we would treasure every seconds of this ride.

My biggest worry for my children are about what the future will bring for both of them. My husband said as long as we prepare them for the world as best as possible, then they would be fine. What does this mean? Were we taught to be prepared for the future when we were young? I remember having to do everything for and by myself. This is what I don't want my children to grow up thinking ~ that they are on their own. I want them to know that we are here for them and that they should be there for one another. I don't want them to think that this world is a cold and lonely place. I want them to live a long, healthy and blissful life. The life that I now seem to have found! Van said that we can only build up their confidence, give them unconditional love, provide constant reassurance, help them feel secure, make them feel empowered, teach them that they always have choices, and encourage them to voice their opinions. Most importantly, making certain that our children know that we are so very proud of them!

Although Ethan is only three & has special needs (well, most of us have needs and they are special to us!), I wonder what more we can do to make certain that he discover his place in the world. I wonder if I am doing enough to make certain that Ethan feels loved and protected. I want Ethan to grow up strong and independent. I want him to have high self esteem and confidence to know that he is strong. I don't want my baby to worry about what others say or do ~ what's most important is what he does & say. I know that as a mother, you feel all of the aches & pain that your children experiences, magnified a billion times, and that you just want to make all the bad disappear. I know that I can't protect him when he is out in the world, but I also know that Ethan will be a great teacher of acceptance, determination, tolerance, love, endurance, happiness, will power, confidence, kindness, empathy, abilities, possibilities, compassion, faith, and hope.

A Leap of Faith

Some people believe that living through the past twenty years, thirty years, forty years, or even fifty years qualifies them be an expert in life. Well, not to burst any one's bubbles...I've seen those who are in their sixties and seventies and they still have not learned their lessons! Take me for an example, I've been told that I go to the hardware store to get a loaf of bread...where as, I really don't need a loaf of bread after all! I am strong and I am loved...look at my children and you will see what I mean.

I don't believe that we are victims of our circumstances. I don't believe that we are victims. I believe that in order for anyone to have control over their lives or "destiny", one must choose what is right for oneself. Taking a big leap of faith and relying on the fact that only our Heavenly Father is perfect and that He knows all, gives me the strength to do what I do.

Yes, life has its up and down...but boy, what a life that I've had thus far! I don't believe that my life truly began until the day that Marisa was born ~ Wednesday, March 8th. But...my heart became whole when my Ethan was born ~ Tuesday, October 16th.

I am thankful that I was given the gift of motherhood and that I have three people in my life that makes it so complete.